Today is the day for spine tingling, heart palpitating, dizziness inducing tension!Cally Jackson and Rachel Morgan are hosting the Power of Tension Blogfest, and I have decided to take part.
If you're interested in joining, you just need to sign up (at one of their blogs) and post an 300 word excerpt of a scene filled with tension (or not filled with tension but should be and that you're hoping to get some feedback on). There are prizes. Go check it out!
Aaand... here is my scene! I'd love to know your thoughts, and how you think I can up the tension in the scene.
“You running, freak? Maybe you should just keep going and live in the mountains like the freak you are. Even your parents didn’t want you.”
I froze.
“You shouldn’t have said that.” My voice was low, but I knew it was full of the anger that was now flexing through my body in a rare moment of freedom. Gavin seemed to realise the error of his ways because he began backing toward the door. His friends had already made a run for it, but I wasn’t interested in them. My eyes were locked on Gavin.
He quickened his pace. Stupid. You never run from a predator.
I could feel the power dancing along my skin; a bag of chips on the shelf beside me exploded under the change in pressure. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the shop keeper dive under the counter. Heard his soft whimper.
The whites of Gavin’s eyes expanded, but his fear was making him even stupider than usual.
“It’s true isn’t it?” he sneered. “Your parents buggered off and left you to be raised by your grandparents. Couldn’t stand the sight of you?”
“Actually”– I grinned at him, showing my teeth –“my mum was murdered.” I didn’t let Gavin know how close to the truth he was about my father.
In a rare moment of self preservation Gavin turned and bolted. I gave him a second’s head start, then followed him out the door.
He only made it a few metres down the road. I didn’t actually have to catch him; the power didn’t need physical contact to do its thing. One second Gavin was sprinting full tilt down the road, the next he was flat on his face, and whimpering, “Stop! Make it stop.”
Me like, me like!! I love it when arrogant, snotty so-and-sos like Gavin get their comeuppance! ;-)
ReplyDeleteGreat tension. You slipped into passive voice once or twice. I have trouble with that, too. "My voice was low" could be changed to -- I said low, but I still heard the anger in my words that was coursing down my flexing body. Just a thought. Thank you so much for visiting my site and leaving such a great comment, Roland
ReplyDeleteGreat tension! I'm wondering why Gavin was stupid enough to test the power. Also wondering what the power is. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great scene! Full of tension - I loved it!
ReplyDeleteNice! Is this Dani? Sounds like her, but then I don't know who Gavin is. Definitely lots of tension!!
ReplyDeleteDeliciously dark and creepy. Definitely a tense scene, and one that has me wanting more!
ReplyDeletePower Of Tension Blogfest
Now, that was scary. I watched the movie version of "I Am Number Four" a few days ago, but your passage shows how the written word can be superior in building up the tension.
ReplyDeleteVery clear tension here. It leaves me wondering what the MC will do next? Was Gavin aware of what "I" can do, and am "I" bad enough to do something nasty or good enough to resist?
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. I want to know who/what this character is and what sort of power he has. And did Gavin know? They are obviously familiar. Why taunt someone with this type of power...!
ReplyDeleteNice one :-)
ReplyDeleteI am skimming my work at the moment looking for something suitable. Will post when i have found it :-)
GREAT BLOGFEST
Sarah ketley
Ooh I'm interested to learn more about these powers. They sound handy! Although something tells me they'll end up getting their wielder into serious trouble. Thanks for entering, Sari! :-)
ReplyDeleteLoved it, and great job! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a well-written piece - I love it!
ReplyDeleteNice job! I'm totally curious about what his power is.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I can't believe you left it at such a cliffhanger... I'm dying to know what his power is!
ReplyDeleteWhoa. Yeah, I'd say that has some definite tension.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, but I really liked the "I gave him a second's head start". I feel like really reveals a few things about the character.
ReplyDeleteOoh, this sounds interesting. If you want to up the tension, maybe give us more leading up to the power coming out of the MC, so we wonder more how the MC will react to the taunts.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely wouldn't want to cross this MC.
ReplyDeleteAs i always enjoy reading your blog i have awarded you THE IRRESISTIBLY SWEET BLOG AWARD.Stop by my blog and pick up your award.Don't forget to pass it on! Congratulations:)
ReplyDeleteI feel like the line: "You shouldn't have said that." is a tad clique. It sticks out to me. However, the rest of it rocks together. I especially enjoy the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteWhat?! I want more! This sounds so intriguing!! As does this tension writing fest... I might have to check it out myself...
ReplyDeleteNew follower alert!! Haha ( :
Wow, totally pulled me in. I'm wondering what the power is and I'm so wanting the MC (I can't tell the sex) to kick that dude's butt. Great job! :D
ReplyDeleteAwesome scene! Love the tension - I could totally picture this as a movie scene> I want to read on too :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a cool power! Want to see how far he goes with Gavin next! Great tension!
ReplyDeleteI like this. You manage to get some great moments into the scene without losing the sense of tension.
ReplyDeleteYep, definite tension here - sounds like Gavin deserves what he gets! Good job:)
ReplyDeleteThat was so cool with the chips exploding. I really liked this.
ReplyDeleteThis was EXCELLENT! I love it that the point of view is from the Predator :) It sort of reminded me of that old story about "Carrie"...Love it!
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent piece. I loved it from the first sentence. Full of angst.
ReplyDeleteNicely done, and you did a great job with the character's voice. He really came to life.
ReplyDeleteSari,
ReplyDeleteThis pulled me in right away. You built up the tension beautifully. A strong "cat and mouse" piece.
LOL - GRreat post, will have to check out Rachel's blog, but I agree, tension is always needed. It's what makes us keep turning the pages.
ReplyDeleteI find myself really curious to learn more about your MCs power, and that's a good thing! The sentence, "Heard his soft whimper," was a little hiccup to me. It could possibly be deleted. Great job. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise. Will be great to know why a guy with such powers is being baited, and what exactly the power is.
ReplyDeleteYou've engaged the senses well, and it sounds real.
Wow, this was straight out of creepyville and left me wanting to read more.
ReplyDeleteSweet. This was a really good scene. It's nice to see the main character with the upper hand instead of being the one victimized.
ReplyDeleteReally good tension! I love that passage. Hope the blogfest goes wel.
ReplyDeleteOoh, scary! I'm remembering CARRIE right now... though I could be totally off with this MC's powers!
ReplyDeleteThanks for entering :-)
Hey, Maggi! Yep it's Dani, but it's a new scene from the start :).
ReplyDelete