In the beginning...

Back in March I did some very unscientific research on first pages, which you can see here:
        A very unscientific look at first pages (with charts!) - part one
        A very unscientific look at first pages - part two

I decided a successful first page needs the magic three: Character, Setting and Intrigue. Of those three it seemed Intrigue was the most important. I didn't look beyond the first page in my very unscientific study, but it was a start.

Now, as I revise, I realise how much work my beginning really needs. Not just the first page - the whole beginning. I've already rewritten it from scratch once. Apparently once is not enough. My beginning is still in need of a lot of work. A lot of 'rewrite from scratch again' type work. The question is, where?

Where does my story start?

Something I've discovered, which is going to sound completely obvious to all of you, is that to answer this question you need to know what your story is. Since Blood Legacy was written with no planning whatsoever, I'm still learning about my story. My characters are always telling me I got it wrong, and my list of things to do in revisions gets longer and longer. For now I'm trying to put a big black line through 'get the beginning right'.

There's a lot of advice out there on how to answer the question on beginnings. The most helpful advice I've seen is start at the point of change.

Don't start with action for action's sake. Don't start with conflict for conflict's sake. Same with character. Same with setting. Avoid back story like the plague (also cliches). Start with change.

What changes in your story that triggers the snowball effect in the rest of the plot? What is the inciting incident? This doesn't have to be a huge event. Explosions aren't necessary. It could be very subtle, but it is the moment your story starts.

Think about it like this: your story, the story you want to tell, is only a small part of a much larger story. Your characters and world existed (in the land of make-believe -- let's not get too carried away) long before the events of your story began and long after it ends. Your characters had lives. Your world had history. But you're not telling the story of previous historical events, or how your characters came to be where they are now. You're telling the story of where they're going.

If the story before is a wide river flowing along a straight path, then your beginning is the the event that diverts that river -- the moment of change -- and the story you tell is the rapids and waterfalls and constricting gorges the river has to flow through before it can return to a new calm path.

Poison Study by Maria V Snyder, starts with the main character Yelena being taken from a cell where she's spent the last year, to what she believes is her execution. She's then given a choice -- die or become the Commander's new poison taster.

The story doesn't start with what she did to get into the cell. It doesn't start with the events leading to her taking such an action. It starts with the moment of change. The reason the rest of the story happens. Up until that point her path was leading to death, and it was diverted with a choice. What happens after ... well I'll let you read it to find out.

Not all stories have the moment of change so soon, but the best ones often start as close to that point as possible. Anything else is set-up. Anything else can lose a reader.


Do you find beginnings difficult? Do you know when your story starts, or are you still trying to figure that out, like me? Do you agree with starting with the point of change, or do you have another take on beginnings?

Show me the tension!

Today is the day for spine tingling, heart palpitating, dizziness inducing tension!

Cally Jackson and Rachel Morgan are hosting the Power of Tension Blogfest, and I have decided to take part.

If you're interested in joining, you just need to sign up (at one of their blogs) and post an 300 word excerpt of a scene filled with tension (or not filled with tension but should be and that you're hoping to get some feedback on). There are prizes. Go check it out!


Aaand... here is my scene! I'd love to know your thoughts, and how you think I can up the tension in the scene.

“You running, freak? Maybe you should just keep going and live in the mountains like the freak you are. Even your parents didn’t want you.”

I froze.

“You shouldn’t have said that.” My voice was low, but I knew it was full of the anger that was now flexing through my body in a rare moment of freedom. Gavin seemed to realise the error of his ways because he began backing toward the door. His friends had already made a run for it, but I wasn’t interested in them. My eyes were locked on Gavin.

He quickened his pace. Stupid. You never run from a predator.

I could feel the power dancing along my skin; a bag of chips on the shelf beside me exploded under the change in pressure. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the shop keeper dive under the counter. Heard his soft whimper.

The whites of Gavin’s eyes expanded, but his fear was making him even stupider than usual.

“It’s true isn’t it?” he sneered. “Your parents buggered off and left you to be raised by your grandparents. Couldn’t stand the sight of you?”

“Actually”– I grinned at him, showing my teeth –“my mum was murdered.” I didn’t let Gavin know how close to the truth he was about my father.

In a rare moment of self preservation Gavin turned and bolted. I gave him a second’s head start, then followed him out the door.

He only made it a few metres down the road. I didn’t actually have to catch him; the power didn’t need physical contact to do its thing. One second Gavin was sprinting full tilt down the road, the next he was flat on his face, and whimpering, “Stop! Make it stop.”

A very unscientific look at first pages - part two

On Friday, I did a post about first pages. If you missed it, you can check it out here. I got to have fun with making graphs and pretending I was a real statistician and just generally procrastinating to my heart's content. The conclusion I came to?

A successful first page needs Intrigue, Setting & Character to fully hook the reader (me in this case) and give them the Desire to Read On. If you only have space for one, better make it Intrigue.

Some of you may have noticed there were a few outliers in the graphs of last weeks post, so today I'm going to have a look at the first pages I studied and see what caused those.

Before I go on, I'd just like to reiterate that the ratings I gave these pages in no way reflects the quality of the book. I haven't read all these books, but even some of the ones I have read (and enjoyed) got mediocre scores for their first page. Just goes to show that the first page isn't the only way to hook the reader or I wouldn't have read them!

Let's start with Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick. It had a prologue so I did both the first page of the prologue and the first chapter and I gave both a 2/5. Both very clearly stated the setting as a heading before the rest of the text.
   First sentence (prologue):

Chauncy was with a farmer's daughter on the grassy banks of the Loire River when the storm rolled in, and having let his gelding wander in the meadow, was left to his own two feet to carry him back to the chateau.

The first sentence of the prologue is quite long (42 words) and has more details about the setting, including the weather and repeating details from the heading. The length of the sentence slows the pace down from the word go. There is no urgency or questions raised in the first page, unless you can count the details of a storm as setting an ominous tone, but it didn't really work for me.

   First sentence (Chapter 1):

I walked into biology and my jaw fell open.

In chapter one the first sentence is quite short. It shows setting, and to a certain extent, intrigue. I didn't count the intrigue in my analysis though because I felt like the rest of the page didn't live up to that intrigue. The 'jaw fell open' was due to Ken & Barbie stuck to the board at the front of the class with a note saying 'welcome to human reproduction (sex)'. While this is cute, it didn't make me need to read on to have a biology lesson. There was also some characterisation in the first page, which I again didn't count, because it was for the MCs best friend, not the MC herself.

Overall, neither page grabbed me, hence the score of 2/5. The first page of Chapter one was cute, but all it showed was a 'teenager' (no other details of the MC given on the first page) who is in high school and has a quirky biology teacher and a friend who doesn't like biology. Great. I don't care. At least not on the first page. Give me a reason to keep reading first, then give me the cute details.


Now let's look at Timeless by Alexandra Monir. This page had all three: Intrigue, Setting & Character. But it only got 3/5. Either this is a matter of taste (quite likely) or some ways of including all the elements don't work as well as others.
   First sentence:

Michele stood alone in the center of a hall of mirrors.

Straight away we have setting, character and intrigue. Why is she standing in a hall of mirrors? The first thing, I think, that lets down the intrigue is the fact that the whole first page is in italics. The first question I ask (instead of 'why is she standing in a hall of mirrors') is 'Is she dreaming?' Probably not the best question you want your reader to be asking when you're setting up intrigue, because it means all the cool things you're writing about aren't real.

The first page goes on to show even more character and intrigue. Michele's physical appearance is described in detail, including what she's wearing, in the context that while the reflections look like her, they don't move when she moves. They also have a key hanging around her neck which Michele doesn't have around her own neck.

The next paragraph is devoted to describing the key, with details like 'The key looked weathered and somehow wise, as though it weren't inanimate, but a living being with over a centuries worth of stories to share'. I'm a sucker for fantastical elements, but I have to question how she gets that much info from seeing an image of the key in her reflection.

The page has some great elements for creating intrigue (the hall of mirrors, the reflections that aren't actually reflections, the strange key) but I think it's let down by a number of factors. If it is a dream then the cool elements don't matter anymore, anyone can have a dream about strange things. Also, the page is split into two paragraphs, the first mostly entails description about what the MC looks like, the second describes the key. There's a lot of description here, and that doesn't help with pace. And lastly, the details about the key didn't quite get me to suspend disbelief, which is important if you're writing anything fantastical.


Now let's look at the three that got 5/5, to see what was done right. Unearthly, by Cynthia Hand, is the only one that got 5/5 that didn't have all three.
   First sentence:

The first time, November 6 to be exact, I wake up at two a.m. with a tingling in my head like tiny fireflies dancing behind my eyes.

Straight away - Intrigue. Why does she have tingling in her head? What does she mean by the first time? What is happening? Already I'm hooked and want to read on.

The first page goes on to describe the MC smelling smoke but finding nothing burning in her house. Then she goes to the kitchen for water because she can't sleep and the page ends with this:

... with no other warning, I'm in the middle of the burning forest. It's not like a dream. It's like I'm physically there. I don't stay long, maybe all of thirty seconds, and then I'm back in the kitchen...

Of course I'm going to turn the page to read the end of that sentence! And keep reading. I want to know what's going on. The intrigue was strong enough on this page to make up for the fact that it didn't have all three elements.

I didn't count this page as having character because, even though it's told in first person, I still don't know anything about her (I only know it's a her because I did read on and because of the cover).


Next, The False Princess by Eilis O'Neil.
   First sentence:

The day they came to tell me, I was in one of the gardens with Kiernan, trying to decipher a three-hundred-year-old map of the palace grounds.

Intrigue and setting straight away. Came to tell her what? Who are they? Why are they trying to decipher a 300 year old map? The setting alone is a bit intriguing. A story set in a palace? Cool.

In the rest of the page we learn the MC, Nalia, is a princess (character), and she and Kiernan are searching for a secret door in a wall in the gardens. This page has given me enough, and more, to make me keep reading. Not only do I want to know who 'they' are, and what they're going to tell Nalia, but I want to know about this secret door (which is revealed in the last sentence of the page).


Last one, Eon by Alison Goodman.
   First sentence:

I let the tips of both of my swords dig into the sandy arena floor.

We've got setting and we've got intrigue. The intrigue is a little subtler here, but I still want to know why she's fighting with swords.

Next we learn that she's in pain and she's training with her swordmaster (who despises her). Why is she in pain? Then we lean it's 'the bleeding pain': she's a 'she'. This is followed by the swordmaster calling her a boy. Whaa? Why is she posing as a boy? Lastly, we learn that she's considered the 'school cripple'.

Ok, I want to read more. Now. Luckily for me I have this book on my current TBR pile ; ).


So, have I bored you all to tears? Is there anything you disagree with me on? Agree? Are there any other titles you'd like me to give my reasoning on? What books have you read with first pages that forced you to keep reading?

A very unscientific look at first pages (with charts!) - part one

It took me quite a long time to realise the beginning of my story needed a lot of work. Then when I finally figured it out, it took me even longer to realise it needed to be scrapped and rewritten.

Afraid of making the same mistakes again, I decided to do some research. And here it is, in the hopes that someone else will find this useful too.

I went on Amazon and went through the first pages of thirteen books in the YA paranormal & fantasy categories. For each, I read the first page ONLY. If I wasn't hooked by then, too bad. If the book had a prologue I did the test on both the prologue and the first chapter (since I know a lot of people don't read prologues, and those that do might get turned off by the prologue before getting to the first chapter).

The three categories I had were: Setting, Character and Intrigue. I classified Intrigue as leading me to ask a question, wanting to know more. I only counted character if it was details about the main character, and it was more than just their name.

If I was on the fence about putting a book in any category, I left it off. Each book had to be clearly in each category.

The numbers of books that fell into each category, or multiple categories.

Based on this pie chart, Setting is the most common component of first pages. 88% of the pages I surveyed had details about setting. Usually they set up the MC's 'normal world', whether it was a fantasy setting or the real world. Kristen Lamb has a good post on why you want to start with the normal world, if you're interested.

Intrigue was the second most common at 56% and Character last with 37%. I think it's interesting that 44% of the pages didn't have Intrigue.

I also gave each book a rating out of five based on my 'Desire to Read On'.

Before I go on, I'd just like to say that these ratings in no way reflect how good the book is. It's only based on the first page and how badly I needed to turn to the second page to know what happens next. It's also, obviously, very subjective. Some pages I gave a five for that others may have given a two, and vice verse. Also, I didn't count words, so some books (if there chapter headings took up most of the page) had fewer words to capture me in.

Clearly, for me, Intrigue is the most important factor in getting me to read on. Which brings me back to the pie chart, 44% didn't have Intrigue!

Lets have a look at what groupings of these elements made me want to read on the most:

Because the sample size was so small here, it's probably best not to drawn conclusions from the data, but as I've already said, this is a very unscientific study, so I'm going to anyway.

Intrigue is the single most important thing to have on your first page. Probably also in your first sentence.

The differences between Character and Setting are marginal, but carrying on the unscientificness (it's a word) I'm going to say that Character is second, and Setting last (the most common element in first pages).

I'll break it down one more time, in the interests of transparency, and so you can disagree with me about various pages if you would like:

* Fallen does have a prologue but I was unable to get the first page from Amazon

So, what do you think? Agree with my very unscientific study? Disagree? Have anything else to add?

Next week, in part two, I'll break down the first page details, and what about each page lead to them getting a higher or lower 'Desire to Read' score.