Thursday, April 21, 2011

Attempt number... I forget

I while ago (before getting two assignments) I thought it would be a good idea to sign up for Slice of the Blog Pie's Query Letter Blogfest. Which was yesterday (Aussie time).

Well... yesterday I handed in an assignment, had class till 8.30pm, arrived home at 10pm sat down and proceeded to try and rewrite my query letter. I've made quite a few attempts at this here, and here, and an epiphany here. At around 1.00 in the morning the power cut out. Crap. Had I saved? No I hadn't.

So now, finally, here is my new and hopefully improved (though I don't have high hopes for this one) query letter. And yes, I know it's still ridiculously long. I am not so good at the summarising.

Have at it!


Edit to add: I'll make changes based on people's comments, so if early comments don't make sense this is why.


Dear [Agent],

I am a regular reader of your blog and I believe my 84,000 word YA fantasy, BLOOD LEGACY, would be a good fit for your agency [because of reasons inserted here].

Dani Strider is the only one who knows her mother’s death wasn’t natural. Murdered by a shadow, but nobody would believe that. For seventeen years Dani has dreamed of revenge, but even her strange talents, her wild magic and ability to hear people’s thoughts, aren’t enough to find a creature that shouldn’t exist.

When strangers appear in Dani’s house, claiming to be family from her home world, Dani knows where to find the wraithlike killer. They came from Dereshan, a hidden realm on the brink of war between the rebels and a ruthless tyrant, and they believe Dani can help. But before she can find out how or why, the strangers vanish, the only evidence of their visit a cryptic message: if he comes, you must follow.

After searching for a path into Dereshan without success, Dani unleashes her magic in fury and despair. She wakes in the aftermath, a gray dog at her side, and an expression all too human in his eyes. Dani follows the dog to Dereshan and discovers he has a voice, an attitude, and too many secrets. He’ll help Dani get revenge - for a price. He wants to be healed and what he means by that he won’t say.

Dani must decide if revenge is more important than helping stop a war, but the deeper she gets into Dereshan, the more she realises that both paths are inextricably linked, and she may not be strong enough for either.

I am an Editing and Publishing student at RMIT University in Melbourne, Australia.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sari Webb

7 comments:

  1. I just posted the first two paragraphs of my query! Love that we are on the same page.

    As for your query, the first couple of paragraphs are choppy. Is Dani aware that she has a "home world" before the strangers arrive? Is the concept supposed to be part of her innate knowledge or a revelation that propels the plot? I'd take out the "murdered by a shadow."

    Is the world Dani and her mother lived also fantastical?

    Hope this helps. I'd love your feedback on my post as well.

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  2. Hi Sari,
    My comments are in either ** or SHOUTING CAPITALS, although that is not the case!

    **Dani's quest is very compelling, I think your only issue here is you are throwing too much at me. I'm left wondering. I think your query starts somewhere around here....**

    ...the strangers vanish, the only evidence of their visit a cryptic message: if he comes, you must follow.

    In fury Dani unleashes her magic and wakes in the aftermath, a gray dog at her side, and an expression all too human in his eyes. Dani follows the dog to Dereshan and discovers he has a voice, an attitude, and too many secrets. He’ll help Dani get revenge - for a price. He wants to be healed and what he means by that he won’t say....

    **The rest seems like back story, for me anyway. I feel this is the tension part of the query, if you can set this up with Dani's goals and what is keeping her from achieving them, instead of what people may or may not think, you will have a solid query.**

    Dani Strider knows her mother’s death wasn’t natural. A shadow stole her life hours after Dani was born. (HOW WOULD SHE KNOW IF SHE WAS JUST BORN?) But no one would believe that. Even Dani’s grandparents, the last of her family, would raise their eyebrows at that. For seventeen years Dani has dreamed of revenge, but even her strange abilities, the wild magic and hearing people’s thoughts, aren’t enough to find a murderous shadow. People like her shouldn’t exist on Earth, (BUT SHE DOES, WHY SAY IT?) let alone creatures like that.

    When strangers appear in Dani’s house, claiming to be family from her home world, Dani knows it’s true. They came from Dereshan, a hidden realm on the brink of war between the rebels and a ruthless tyrant, and they believe Dani can help. Before she can find out how or why, or if Dereshan is home to wraithlike killers, the strangers vanish, the only evidence of their visit a cryptic message: if he comes, you must follow.

    In fury Dani unleashes her magic and wakes in the aftermath, a gray dog at her side, and an expression all too human in his eyes. Dani follows the dog to Dereshan and discovers he has a voice, an attitude, and too many secrets. He’ll help Dani get revenge - for a price. He wants to be healed and what he means by that he won’t say.

    Dani must decide if revenge is more important than helping stop a war, but the deeper she gets into Dereshan, the more she realises that both paths are inextricably linked, and she may not be strong enough for either.I LOVE THIS! WOW! KEEP< KEEP< KEEP THIS PARAGRAPH!

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  3. I would also add to blueeyedadri's comment and say that this paragraph has a lot of "that" in it:

    Dani Strider knows her mother’s death wasn’t natural. A shadow stole her life hours after Dani was born. But no one would believe that. Even Dani’s grandparents, the last of her family, would raise their eyebrows at that. For seventeen years Dani has dreamed of revenge, but even her strange abilities, the wild magic and hearing people’s thoughts, aren’t enough to find a murderous shadow. People like her shouldn’t exist on Earth, let alone creatures like that.



    You don't need the "But no one would believe that" because the next sentence says that even her grandparents would raise their eyebrows at that, which implies people don't believe it. (Or if you keep "But no one would believe that," you should take out the bit about Dani's grandparents. Are they relevant to the overall story? You might just hack out that part--keep the first sentence and hack out the one about her grandparents. At the end of the paragraph, you also have "creatures like that" and I found all the "that" in the paragraph distracting.

    I think that your other commenter was extremely helpful, so that's all I've got to add right now. I think the overall query and the way you explained the setup and dilemma was really compelling. I want to read more. ;)

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  4. Hi Sari, thanks for stopping by my blog and adding your feedback to my query. Here's mine:

    First, it sounds like a fabulous story. :-) Here's my suggested edits.


    Dani Strider, 17, is the only one who believes her mother was murdered by a shadow. All her life she''s dreamed of revenge, but even her strange talents, her wild magic and ability to hear people’s thoughts, aren’t enough to find a creature that shouldn’t exist. When strangers from Dereshan, a hidden realm on the brink of war between the rebels and a ruthless tyrant appear in Dani’s house, Dani knows where to find the wraithlike killer. They claim to be family from her home world, and expect Dani to help. Before she can find out how or why, the strangers vanish, a leaving cryptic message: if he comes, you must follow.

    Dani unleashes her magic in fury and despair. She wakes in the aftermath, a strange gray dog at her side. Dani follows the dog to Dereshan and discovers he has a voice, an attitude, and too many secrets. He’ll help Dani get revenge - for a price. Dani must decide if revenge is more important than helping stop a war, but the deeper she gets into Dereshan, the more she realises that both paths are inextricably linked, and she may not be strong enough for either.

    Here's my one problem - and it's probably not with the story, but with what's here. I'm not sure revenge for a mother, even one brutally murdered, is enough to fuel a quest. How will getting revenge on her mother's killer affect Dani's heart/soul/life?

    The stakes for solving any problem, whatever it is, have to boil down to death - either a physical or spiritual death - for the protagonist. Sure, if we'd be scarred if we lost a parent to murder, we'd all like to solve it and see the murderer get his/her due, but the missing link is why Dani can't just... get therapy and get over it? It's like there's a missing link here. How does NOT solving her mother's murder put Dani at risk of soul/physical death herself?

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  5. Good luck with querying and finding an agent!

    I'm starting up a 'Critiquing Crusaders' program, where participants in the Second Crusade can find other writers to exchange critiques with or form critiquing circles. If you're interested, come by The Kelworth Files to check it out!

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  6. Hi Beverly, thanks for stopping by and giving your helpful critique! I really appreciate it, and I'll take everything you said on board while I'm doing my revisions. Thanks!

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  7. I hate cliffhanger endings. Reading a book is an experience that needs to be satisfying. And what about beginning, middle and end? There has to be an end!

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