Hearing voices, characters talking to each other that is

It's day two of the I'm Hearing Voices Blogfest, and today two of my characters are going to introduce each other.

Alad: Sila! Get over here.

Sila: What?

Alad: We’re supposed to introduce each other, remember?

Sila: I remember. I just never agreed to do this. You have fun with that, but I’ve got other things to do. Like keeping her-brilliance-the-princess-our-humble-saviour-and-oh-so-amazing-at-everything’s arse out of trouble.

Alad: If you don’t help I’m not busting you out of trouble the next time you do something to piss off the Guardian.

Sila: Fine. This is Alad. He likes to be a smart-ass-know-it-all-goody-two-shoes. He’s been fighting for the Kaardrivaal since he was 14, and he’s ok with a sword. But I can still beat him.

Alad: You’ve beat me twice, and you got lucky both times. And you know I’m much better than ‘ok’ with a sword.

Sila: Whatever. And he’s got a thing for her-amazing-highness the princess.

Alad: I don’t. Stop making up crap. And stop being a bitch.

This is Sila. She’s obviously got issues, as you can tell…

Sila: Shut up.

Alad: … She’s cousin to Princess Danshian, and isn’t too happy about it. She thinks she’s more capable than everyone else, and would prefer to do things her way because she’s convinced that no one else can do anything right.

Sila: I’m out of here.

Alad: Now she’s gone, I don’t mind saying I like Sila. She’s a good person, she’s just afraid of getting close to people. Her parents were murdered when she was four. I feel sorry for her, really.

            Anyway, thanks for coming round. Catch you all later.

Characters on the couch: Jeran

The first post of the I'm Hearing Voices Blogfest:

Me: Jeran! Welcome to my couch. I have a few questions for you so let’s start with what your biggest vulnerability is and do others know this or is it a secret?

Jeran: [He isn’t saying anything. Only sitting and staring at me. Have you ever had a staring contest with a dog that looks like a wolf before? Yea … you don’t win. Oh! Is that shiny thing below his lip tooth?! I think it might be time to move on.]

Me: Never mind. Participation not necessary. Heh ... So ahh, what do people believe about you that is false?

Jeran: That I’m a dog.

Me: Care to elaborate?

Jeran: [There’s that tooth again. And did I just imagine that, or did he just growl?] No.

Me: My, what big teeth you have. Next question, what would your best friend say is your fatal flaw and why?

Jeran: He wouldn’t say anything. He’s dead.

Me: Errr … ok. Umm … how ‘bout your dad?

Jeran: [Oh boy. This is not going well. He definitely growled this time.] My desire to have nothing to do with the family business. He’d kill me if he could find me, so I guess you could say it is indeed a fatal flaw.

Me: Ok, the next question is … [I read the rest of the question under my breath: What would the same friend say is your one redeeming quality? Why?] … we’ll just skip this one shall we?

Jeran: Loyalty.

Me: What?

Jeran: I heard you. If he was alive, he’d say loyalty.

Me: Oh, great. I can really see why he’d say that. So, what do you want most in the world?

Jeran: I want to be healed.

Me: You’re sick?

Jeran: [Piercing stare.]

Me: Oh … ah, never mind. Do you know how far you'll go to to be healed?

Jeran: I’m going to bring the princess here. If it causes my father a few problems along the way, then so be it.

Me: I see. I’m not sure antagonising him is such a good idea if you’re so sure he’s out to kill you.

Jeran: Is this interview over? I have places to be.

Me: Sure! Thanks for your time. [Ugh … that nervous laugh was not good. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere you’re not supposed to show fear when facing a dog.]

Jeran: [He’s already gone.]

A recipe for bad dialogue

Bart Simpson: Hey Lisa, how was your day at Springfield Elementary School today? Did you play your saxophone in music lessons with Dewey Largo, Springfield Elementary School's music teacher?
Lisa Simpson: Why yes I did, Bart. Thank you for asking. How did you know?
Bart Simpson: Because that's what you do at the start of every episode, of course.

Ok, it's obvious I'm not going to get a job any time soon as a Simpson's script writer, and I'm not entirely convinced this is the best way to illustrate the point I want to make but it's the best I could come up with on short notice without quoting from a book.

What is wrong with this bit of horrid dialogue (other than the obvious)? Could it possibly be that Bart has included a lot of information that isn't necessary because Lisa is already very familiar with it? In other words, is Bart's dialogue completely unrealistic because really he'd say something more like, 'Hey Lis, how's school today? Did you get kicked out of sax class again?' (We're just pretending for a moment that Bart is a nice brother and he'd actually care how Lisa's day is.)

All the other information, the names, the places - the specifics - is not necessary. At least in the context of those two having a conversation. Lisa already knows what school Bart is talking about because she goes there. She knows who her music teacher is. She knows where her music teacher teaches. The only reason a writer would write a piece of dialogue with so much unnecessary information is because they are trying to inform the reader.

I'm here to say ... don't do that. Seriously. Don't. Unless you're trying to make your reader cringe.

Dialogue for the sake of imparting information to the reader, and not because it would be a natural conversation for the characters to have, is a great way to create stilted scenes. It doesn't feel real, and for good reason. It's a dialogue info-dump, and it's just as bad as the non-dialogue kind.

Do you notice the dialogue info-dump? Does it make you cringe? What other tips do you have for avoiding stilted dialogue?